First time my Dom made me cry
So, I have an issue, decide I need to talk to him about it.
Absolutely freaking out inside, worried about him thinking I’m too fucked up, I’m bad for having issues, etc.
Practically hiding under the bed after having sent the message, half expecting “Why don’t you KNOW I care about you? You should just know and not have any anxiety! Nothing I do is enough, I’m with you aren’t I? You’re not allowed to be scared of being hurt.”
And it never came. He was very understanding, told me it was okay to have anxieties and that he wants me to be honest with him, that he does care about me, and that while he doesn’t think we should ignore the issue, it isn’t a threat to our relationship.
Cue tears. I just felt everything relax. I’m not used to not being yelled at for being fucked up. Tears still rolling down my face from the relief of it all.
Goddamn I’m so fucking happy
I have an amazing Dom and an incredible community. I finally know where I belong.
I’m at home at my church, but part of me can’t be expressed (and that’s okay).
I’m at home with my family, but most of me can’t be expressed (also okay).
I’m excited to find my home in Savannah, with a new community and new people.
But no matter what, I finally have a home where all of me belongs, where all of me is wanted and welcomed and I couldn’t be happier. I’m dating this incredible guy who makes me feel like I’m floating, I have incredible teachers all around me, I have the older siblings I’d never known I needed, and I have a best friend that maybe isn’t part of this community, but still makes up part of my home nonetheless. My life is fucking awesome for the first time ever. I love this.
Best night EVER.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. You lost all chance of being a good dad a LONG time ago so just SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME TO FIX THE DAMAGE YOU’VE CAUSED. Fucking let me go already, before you fuck up what little there is left.
The spirals get smaller and further apart all the time. I’m so scared they’ll come back in full force, voices and all, and this time I won’t be able to take the screaming. How does anyone deal with this? I’m happy most of the time… but I feel like I’m looking over my shoulder, waiting for it to pounce. What if this is just the eye of the storm? What if I relapse? I don’t know if I could go back to the babbling, the screaming, the talking about me but never to me. It’s so quiet here, alone in my head, and I like it. I don’t want company. I just wish I could get a look into what’s coming. Ebenezer Scrooge style, three ghosts to let me know what path I’m on and where it will lead me.
Thanks for your help tonight, Andrew. (Since you seem to see all my other posts) You helped me talk out of it. Friends like you are hard to come by.
So maybe I’m six years old sometimes. Why shouldn’t I be? It is unfair. It’s unfair that people think less of me because I’m female, it’s unfair that love is so easily lost, it’s unfair that we hurt, it’s unfair that people hate us for being us, it’s all fucking unfair and I just don’t get it. Love, all love, not just romantic love, is everything to me. It’s at the crux of everything, so how can everything be so unfair? I don’t understand.
You know those moments, when you think you’re okay, when you think it’s all over, you’re not sad anymore? And then you see a picture, something reminds you, and though it’s not as bad as before, you’re sad again? I feel like I’ve been doused with cold water. Why can’t I just scar over already?